Ashellie's Book of Poetry

Watching You Sleep

Watching you sleep, I ponder the many horizons
Of the thoughts that drift through my mind
I recollect the laughter and the tears
The heartache, glory and all my fears
And I wonder how it was
That made my journey into today
****
As you stray into my deepest thoughts
I remember how many times you held me so close
Guided me through the darkness
And kept me warm with the love you poured in my heart
I think of the laughter you give to me
The smiles you bring to my eyes, the dreams you made reality
****
The kisses you place all over me, the way you caress my face
The heat and passion envelop my soul when we embrace
Your sweet words, the song makes all my sense dance
The times we share together filled with love and romance
I’ve yearned for tenderness and I found it in every part of you
Life my spirit, restored my dreams, my heart the only cost to you
****
Many precious gifts you give to me every day
Makes me compelled to give something in return
But what gift is worthy of such a person as thee?
Only the finest delights are suitable
A wondrous gift only you can get
Something special I offer to you in your heart will fit
****
I close my eyes again and take my thoughts to a place
Where light dances and birds fly across clear blue lakes
Where enchanting evergreen becomes our shelter
And blue skies carry the warmth of the yellow sun
A song is whispered to you from the doves above
And the fragrance of the flowers eases our minds
****
Here in my special place you have wings to fly
And float like a cool breeze in the summer nights
A place where you can see a vast array of colors burning
Into the distance, your place amongst the angels
Can you see my special place, your domain?
Yours to call home, there you will through eternity remain
****
Words upon a whisper telling of my love for you
Sweet and loyal visions, whispering desirous words so true
As I watch you sleep, my humble offering I hope you’ll take
My heart to you belongs; I hope you’ll never break
And as you look into my eyes you’ll read and see
The words I don’t say enough to you my handsome love, my destiny

Prince of Stars

The moment I saw you,
I saw my dream cavalier in debut
And Your eyes raced against mine,
so I backed up with a smile

You're the one I adore,
The early star in my view when the clock strikes four
No wonder why I called you my star,
I can always catch a glimpse of yours even you are afar

Thinking of us being together,
I stopped and thought it really doesn't matter
"My dearest prince of stars..
You're the reason why I knew the true implication of existence".
What Would You Do?

What would you do
If I walked away?
Forgot all about you
And left you in the past

What would you do
If I walked on by?
Walked right past you
And never looked back?

What would you do
If i had moved on?
What would you do
If you found me gone?

What Would You Do?

If I told you how I felt,
would you walk the other way?
Would you turn your back on me,
or would you stay?
If I told you how I felt,
would you feel the same?
Or would you look at me,
as if I'm insane?
If I told you how I felt,
what is in my heart.
Would we be together,
or would we be apart?
If I gave you my heart,
what would you do?
Would you keep it safe,
or would you break it into?
If I gave you my heart,
would you be there for me?
Or would you do as everyone else has,
and just up and leave?
Should I give you my heart,
or keep it to myself?
Take it out of its box,
thats high upon the shelf.
Should I take that chance,
of getting my heart broken?
By telling you the words,
that I have left unspoken?
Right now I'm not sure,
about what I should do.
But the one thing I am sure about,
is how much I care for you.

What Would You do Without Ashley?

WHAT WOULD I DO WITHOUT YOU?
THE ANSWER IS ALL TOO CLEAR
I KNOW I COULD NOT SURVIVE,
IF YOU WERE NOWHERE NEAR

YOU SEE, I WOULD BE ALONE
I CAN'T BEAR TO BE THAT WAY
YOU MUST BE WITH ME ALWAYS
OR TILL FOREVER, COME WHAT MAY

I SPENT A LIFETIME FINDING YOU
I CAN'T AFFORD TO LOSE YOU NOW
THE THOUGHT OF LIFE WITHOUT YOU
WEIGHS HEAVY ON MY BROW

YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE I WANT
I DON'T CARE WHAT "THEY" MAY SAY
HOW COULD I SURVIVE WITHOUT YOU?
I WOULDN'T WANT TO ANYWAY

MY HEART WOULD EMPTY OUT ITSELF
THERE WOULD BE NOTHING I HOLD DEAR
WITHOUT YOU, LIFE IS MEANINGLESS
IT'S INCOMPLETE, IF YOU'RE NOT HERE

WHAT WOULD I DO WITHOUT YOU?
THE ANSWER IS ALL TOO CLEAR
SHOULD YOU GO, WE'LL GO TOGETHER
I CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT YOU HERE
... BELIEVE ME NOW??

Did You Know?

DID YOU KNOW?

As I smile in your blue eyes and weep in your cries of sorrow
that seemed hollow without you!
I promise I will catch your tears as I carry you forward to the toward of
life of torments of tomorrow holding your faith in my left hand
and your hope and prayer in my right hand.
making a memo to my self that my finger tips would never let go
I would be your savior in the flesh.
face to face, heart to heart singing in one tone to create the perfect melody!!! and there I carry your love with me always

DID YOU KNOW?

Missing your laugher that is the chain reaction to my pursuit of happiness
that I seem to search for, but still leads me right back to you!
take my soul, I give to you to heal it with your touch of pity of sadness for me
as it slowly heals the wounds that seemed blinded from the me and the world to see ohhh please
pleading that love is thee only way to a better day!!!

DID YOU KNOW?

I can’t forget this feeling
when you look at me it feels as the warmth of the rays of sun chose me
as the center of the earths spot light!!!
loves leave you blind folded, but that’s OK for me because I will
use the rest of my senses to judge LOVE as it re cues me as my new super hero!!!
oh you have come to renew me yes indeed I feel and see, I truthfully BELIEVE


YES I KNOW!!!

Did You Know?

Did you know that
I closed my eyes that day
And turned around, hoping
Memories would go away?

I threw away emotions
That I swore I felt for you,
And hurt myself from knowing
You were too good to be true.

The questions never stopped
As you escaped my gaze.
I kept my fingers crossed,
Deaf to every phrase:

"Thanks for stringing me along.
I'm glad to know you thought
We would last until forever,
With the dreams that you have got."

Why was I so stupid?
My deaf ears turned to you,
As I cursed the birth of cupid,
Hiding from the truth.

My Suicide Note

Sitting here on the floor
a knife in my hand

No one is around to stop me
I can acutely do it

No one cares!
They all wanna see me dead!

Well I don't care anymore!
Ill just end my life now!

I take the knife and hold it to my neck
and push i feel a break. . .

I feel the cold rush of blood
a sharp pain goes through my body

I grabbed my neck in pain
Dropping to the ground

The blood pours from my neck
off my hand

Falling to the ground
speaking these words of death

"I love you, you were my all
but you ruined it."

So here i lie
bloody note in hand.

You have now read my suicide note
There is nothing more you can do.

But cry about my death
and get on with your life

She Pretends to be Strong

That isn't hate in her eyes
She is scared to death
Have you ever seen her cries?
Other than me, no one else...

She pretends to be strong
Like she has the situation under control
All your beliefs are wrong
She isn't anything at all...

Tries to hide somwhere
Tries to believe everything is better
Than it is today
She wrote that in her letter:

"Dear darling, forgive me
Life is a happy place
But you didn't see
As I lost the race

Against life
And everyone that is living
Do you wish for me to be alive?
Or is it just my self-believing?"

Don't guess anymore
Everything is said
But I told you before
Before she was dead...

You Left For A Minute

You left for a minute
I left forever
You just can't belive it
You won't be able to, never

My voice trailed off
Lost interest in living
Flew away like a dove
No more of your decieving

It is so nice to be away
From life, from here
It is the last day
When my voice, you can hear

You lied once more
Pretended to be nice
All the laughter galore
In your unfaithful eyes

You think I never knew?
Of all the people you have told!
What you were up to
My soul you have sold...

You believed me!
That I've died
Now I can see
From whom I tried to hide!

Forgive you? Forget the thought
I despise you more by the hour!
To think you knew what is true and what is not
Locked up high in your tour

Jump for me
From the highest floor
Just so I can see
What I have been waiting for...

No answer follows
Gone forever
In the deathly shallows
Believe it? Never...

I want to die
I just can't stand it no more
I need to hide
From the reason I am living for...

Dear Mommy

Dear Mommy,

A boy brought a gun to school
Everyone thinks he's cool
It turned out to be a bad day
I asked him to put it away
He told me no
He said he'd use it if I didn't go
So I ran
But he came after me
This isn't the way I wanted it to be
I was so afraid to die
I could do nothing but cry
He caught me mommy
I'm sorry I couldn't be stronger mommy
I just froze
He started to tear my clothes
I was so scared
Nobody even cared
You could hear me scream and shout
Not knowing what it was all about
I'm so sorry mommy
I miss you mommy
I know daddy doesn't know what to do
But tell him I miss him too
My boyfriend Jake, I loved him
Please be sure to tell him
And my little brother Joey
I know his future will never be dim
I'm sorry I had to go mommy
I love you mommy
I'm sorry

No Promise, No Tears

A touch to be felt,
A kiss that's been given
The words to be heard
With ears that's been sealed

No promise to be made,
No tears shall be spilled
The path that's been chosen
Are routes that cause me ill

The love had been given,
It's time to cower in silence
No promise to be made,
No tears shall be spilled

My signs has its picture
My care forever linger
The roses that's been sent,
Are clues to how I end

No promise to be made,
No tears shall be spilled
The roses that you have,
Are thorns that pierce me through

No promise to be made,
With life it comes to fate
No tears shall be spilled
When my soul is rest in peace

Dream…

It makes me sick to think,
I treat you so bad, cause I do,
I’m sorry you ever loved me,
I’m sorry I fell for you,

I used to smile. You’d smile back,
And tonight will be the night..
I'll do this for you,
This time I'll do it right,

Back in your embrace once more,
Feeling the closeness and the beat of your heart,
The feel of your breath on my cheek,
And this time. We’ll never part,

You'll look into my eyes,
With your hand against my face,
You'll kiss me so gently. So soft,
And feel my heart start to race,

You'll kiss my cheek,
Whisper honest that you love me,
Say I am your world,
And that you'll never leave..

I'll feel like crying...
Cause I'll know it's all true,
And that when we're over,
There won't be any other like you..

So why am I sitting here without you?
Why did I ever let you go?
I didn't say I love you,
Then It was too late to let you know,

The guilt will be with me always,
Now I know you were so in love with me,
I played around with your brain,
I killed you, I’m so sorry!

How could I ever forgive myself?
For the beautiful boy that went away,
Who loved me so much,
Who took his life just for something that I. Forgot to say,

Tonight in my dreams I'll love you once more,
I'll remember these times,
And I’ll never forget that,
A guy like you is impossible to find.

In Memory of the Fallen Soldiers

Forward march, to the lively battle,
Around and round herded like cattle,
Across the grassy plains,
Those there to protect, endure all the pain.

The blood stained grass,
Grenades at every path,
Win, they must surpass,
Evade their enemies wrath.

Protect their homes where loved ones reside,
Blades at the ready, and guns are held up high,
All the tears and pain aside,
It's not befitting just a good-bye.

Deep in the trenches,
Where their stomach wrenches,
Bloodshot eyes are wary,
They wish they were home,
No dangers to roam,
Home and all the more merry.

Though instead they fought,
For us at home,
So many soldiers we regret,
No, don't send them off;
Lest We Forget.

Suicide Note

Dear Reader,

if your reading this
you'll know by now
that I'm gone,
My mind, my spirit have disappeared
all that is left is my body.

you are probably wondering
what has happened to me
why I lay mangled and broken,
it is all because of my pain
that is better left unspoken.

Why did I do it?
Why did I commit suicide you ask
it’s all because of this damn depression
that drove me to the edge?

I couldn't take the pain and suffering.
the emptiness was eating me alive.
therefore, I did the only thing I could think of.
Freeing my self from my mind.

I was going insane
but no one seemed to notice
that death's hand was taking its toll
that misery had done her bidding
and I was her new victim.

I cried out and begged for mercy
but I was too far-gone,
I screamed for help
but no one seemed to come along
I was tired of pulling on the chains
that bound me to this hate

I needed to escape!
therefore, I finally did it
I took away my life
and now I am free,
free from my existence


sincerely,
Ashley, your dead and forgotten friend

Where Angels Lie

Follow me down this road
Follow me down until there is no turning back
Follow me off this ledge
Follow me below this dense earth
Follow me up to these iron gates
Follow me into heaven
Follow me to where angels lie

Falling Down Stairs

Tonight she'll find no comfort
Its banging on the door again...

In a flash shes on the floor
Tears forming
And blood streaming

She awakes in the hospital room
Dad standing over her
Panic tearing at his face
She could barely see
But she knew who it was...

The doctor came in
She fell down the stairs
The dad had said
She was such a clumsy little girl
Somtimes it happened two or three times a week

Days later she was back again
In the morgue they took her this time
Fragile and broken frame covered by a sheet.

Mommy, I’m Fine

Don't worry I'm fine
No really mom, I'm okay
I'm just dying inside
Its what I call, everyday

Don't worry mom
They're only tears
Remember me when I fall
Forget all my fears

No, nothing happened today
Everything was great
My only lie upon my face
My only key to escape

I'm just going to my room
And closing the door
Yes mom, I'm okay
As I cry my eyes out on the floor

Are you sure your okay?
Your eyes, their red
I swear to God I'm fine mom
My lies, I dread

Another to cast a smile
And I continue to lie
My mom believes I'm fine
When inside I want to die

What happened at school?
A question asked each day
Just another day of work
I would always say

Your not yourself
You seem all depressed
Another lie I say
Mom, we are all different than the rest

Another day goes by
And my tears continue to fall
I'm fine mom
Really, its nothing at all

When she asks again
I’ll tell her what’s true
I’ll start from day one
And end at what’s new

Ill take out the good
And say all the bad
The real reason
To why I'm sad

I’ll show her my wrists
And my thousands of marks
Ill tell her what’s real
And Ill throw out my hearts

I’ll kiss her goodnight
And wish her sweet dreams
Funny she wont ask what’s wrong
I’ll sleep with my screams

In the morning
She'll find a note
Please don't be sad mommy
Just learn to cope

Dear mommy,
I’ll start to say
Please forgive me
This really was a bad day

You asked what was wrong
And I continued to lie
About how everyday was a reminder
That I wanted to die

I let out my tears
All on the floor
You see this note?
CAUTION: When you open the door

For I will be behind it
And wont be able to speak
I’ll be on my bed
I've reached my peak

My time was up
And so were my fears
As I continued to fall
So did my tears

Its getting hard to understand
Getting hard to write
I'm getting weaker by the moment
This all seems so right

I'm sorry I had to do this
But I wasn't okay
Even when you asked
I lied to this day

I'm sorry mommy
But I couldn't run
I was tired
And this life wasn't much fun

There’s only one thing to say
Because my heart rate is going down
I know you'll be sad
With the news around town

Just forget I was sad
Forget I was depressed
I guess its true what they say
We are all different than the rest

My voice is getting weaker
Its getting hard to see
Everything I'm writing
Describes all of me

Please understand
That I am really brave
I'm still your little angel
Put that on my grave

Bring me flowers
And what’s wrong is in the wind
Forgive me father
For I have sinned

I’ll be your light upon your cheek
And your only escape
And when you ask what’s wrong
I’ll tell you I was raped

I was scared to tell you
And scared for it to be real
I ran to the edge
And made a deal

My blood is all around me
I'm getting really scared
But I cant change my life
Even if I was dared

Its time for me to go
I’ll send down my light
For that should show all my lies
And all my held in fright

I’ll save a place for you above
Where you can stay
Next time when you ask
The truth, Ill say

I can barley hold this pencil
I can barely even write
I love you mommy
But it ends tonight...

Ask, Beg, Plead

Ask for eternal damnation,
And I'll hand you my knife.
Ask for endless salvation,
And I'll give you my life.

Beg for death's hands,
And I'll hand you my gun.
Beg for a caring man,
And I'll be your only one.

Plead for a new beginning,
Even death comes too slow.
Plead for the cleansing of sinning,
Even in death I won't let you go.

Last Night

I never heard that car start up
I never heard the car door shut
I never heard his evil laugh
As he rounded that camorra
I stepped of the sidewalk
Never expecting
The car never stopped
It never slowed down
I guess they didn't see me
Stepping into the street
Or maybe they just never cared
That stop sign was forgotten
I don't know what happened next
I just heard the thump
And then felt the pain
I never thought it would be my last night
I never expected it could end so soon
I never thought it would be me
Lying on the street covered in blood
I guess he just never saw that girl
Skipping across the street

Please, World

Please, nothings wrong with me,
why can't the world just leave me be
I have never killed anyone
I have never held a gun

Please, tell me what’s wrong with me
just tell me so I may see
why those people treat me so
and put me on display, am I a show?

Please, God, answer my prayer
or do you not even care
that I turn to you with such a plight
tell why I'm such a blight

Please, father stop hitting me
Stop the fists so I may flee
mother only stands to the side
I guess the only harm is my pride

Please, father look at my face
why did you bring me into this place
how can you live knowing you are
the man who gave me this ghastly scar

Please, People, why won't you care
why is it you won't let me share
with you a place in the sun
I promise, I won't hurt anyone

Please, God, why aren't you there
all you are is an idea in which prayer
doesn't seem like a waste of breath
Please deliver me from my death

Please nothings wrong with me
I have ran from sea to sea
I have seen some vile acts
yet you all ignore the facts

Please everyone, why don't you care
turn your face like I'm not there
filthy world you'll learn your place,
I'll force you to look into my face

Please world, just suffer and die
I wish to hear your every cry
let you feel the pain as i do
And watch as the sky falls upon you

Please world, You've broke my soul
split me apart, I'm no longer whole
I have fought such a hard fight
but I cannot match your might

Please world don't hate me
how can you know who I will be
I'm only 16, I may be your friend
but you act like I'll kill you in the end

PLEASE WORLD, LOOK AT ME
why can no one ever see
THE ANGUISH OF MY BATTERED LIFE
why the shape of my soul is carved by strife

Goodbye world, I hope your proud
you beat me down and laid a shroud
across my face for the end
I'd still be here if I had just one friend

A Final Goodbye

This is the last testament of a perished soul,
Freed from the torment of a life that binds,
Unable to bear living with the path before me,
For today at the twelve hour, I will have died.

Constantly plagued by past regret,
Lost companions from foolish mistakes,
Unable to shake the thoughts that bombard my head,
The welcome silence of my death I take,

Living in solitude, but not by choice,
No one left to care even why this heart bleeds,
Sinking further into the depths of hell,
With every day I continue to breathe,

I have exhausted my options,
Believe me, I've tried,
I'm just a shell of a person,
Completely dead inside.

My Black Rose

Poisoned spikes of a black rose
Dangerous, yet so pretty
Is this what you chose?
No, you couldn't, nearly...

Do you know anything?
Where is your pride?
You don't know everything
You don't need to hide

Someone will still find you
No matter how hard you try
My black rose, so true...
But please don't cry...

You think so much of yourself
Depression and emotions gaining on you
But why would you kill yourself?
There is so much out there new!

Your poison still defeats you
But no blood, can you see?
I guess you knew
And simply fooled me...

My black rose, again
You are afraid of life
Can you feel the rain
Drowning you alive?

Hide somewhere safely
You don't know where to turn.
But you are just making
Your presious soul to burn

Open your sparkling eyes
Hell is gone, you are back
Suddenly my black rose dies
And falls again into the crack

But dreams are just wishes
And she simply dreams
Because she really misses
Everything that life doesn't seem

Lying on the cold ground
No strength to scream
Not making any sound
She just lies there and beams

So colorful and bright
She leads herself the way back home
Black rose, shines like a light
Left all alone...

Trapped in her fears
Her world collapse
No more tears
And no more life perhaps

My black rose, forever
I shall never forget you
No secrets told, I won't ever
Just remember to be true...

What Is Your Answer?

She's the girl you think is something.
But to her she’s absolutely clueless.
What are the chances of you being nothing?
When you are her absolute happiness.

Take some time to think.
Will you stay with her and keep her happy?
Or let her take her sadness with a drink.
You should know she’d just feel crappier.

She's never drank.
But do you think you can stop her first?
This isn't a big prank.
But the question of the worst.

What will it be...?
Telling her, you love her?
Or lying and saying you hate her?

Butterflies and Hurricanes

The little creatures,
Dainty in their nature,
Flicked the walls of my stomach.
Softly, at first, but then more rapidly,
Churning the remnants of my last meal.

Convict meeting the awaiting noose;
I approached you with caution.
The butterflies quickened, sensing your presence.
The adrenaline pounded through my veins with urgency.
Shivering, softly, as sweat cooled my back,
I willed myself to continue.

My eyes fluttered over your body,
Desperate to absorb every detail,
To thrive and feed on later.
Rearranging my features into a wide smile,
I scrutinized your every reaction.
Waiting.

Waiting for the impending doom.
The smallest chink in the silver lining.
Waiting for you to realize,
Realize that I don't deserve you.

But there you stood.
The creatures in my abdomen
Knocked against the walls,
Demanding to be free of their cage.

I had dreamed of this moment,
Fantasizing over glorious unions,
But as you took my hand,
The butterflies began their escape.

Not up my throat,
Filling my chest with indescribable feelings.
Not out of my mouth,
Fluttering inches from your wonder.
No, they carelessly charged through my veins,
My nerves, my bones, every part of my anatomy.
Growing in size, growing in strength
As I took your face in my hands.

In that immeasurable moment,
The world was our own.
Time stood still for us.
The world stopped spinning for us.
Then, now and forever,
Our feelings shall never be caged again.

She Opened Her Eyes

Out from the world
away from the fright
she opend her eyes
and whispered " oh what a sight"

Her hourglass is turned
Now the time wont run out
she is finally smiling
she can now sing, and shout

She is finally herself
with no, if ands, or buts
she has finally healed
she has no bleeding cuts

Her razors have melted
and so have the scars
she has opened her heart
and ripped down the bars

Because of that boy
with the shinny eyes
she is falling hard
for him, and his beautiful lies
You Had Changed For The Worst