Ashellie's Book of Poetry

If Only They Knew

I wish people didn’t care so much
I wish they asked about me as such
Sometimes it feels like they forget
That mom is not the only one caught in a net

I wish they knew the real deal
That in time, mom will be the only one healed
I sit and think about what’s going on
But I can’t seem to figure out where it went so wrong

They think they understand about it
But they don’t know that if they tried to stand they would have to sit
It feels like it’s all coming down on me
Soon I’ll be sitting on my knees

I won’t be able to breathe
Though my chest will heave
If only they knew
That I’m in it too

At This Point

You had it good at one point.
You had my world at one point.
You had my heart at one point.
And at one point you had it all,
And you threw it all away…

And at one point you realized that was a mistake;
And at one point you came crawling back my way,
And all I had to say was…

I’ll give you one more chance to prove to me you’re real,
And one more chance to prove that you love me,
But just one more chance so don’t throw this one away…

Cause you ain’t getting no more chances.
You ain’t making no more deals,
Cause I ain’t crying over you.
I ain’t shedding one more tear.

So take this chance and show me what you’re made of.
Take this chance and learn to be a man.
Take this chance because it’s the last one you’re getting.
Baby, take this chance.
Take this chance,
Because at one point I told you I loved you,
And at one point you told me that you loved me too.
And at this point I still really love you.
And at this point I wanna know you love me too.

On This Night

On this night,
Its nights like this, when you’re this drunk
That I think you’re just a punk
A punk just like all the other guys
That hurts you and tells you nothing, but lies
That night you walked up to me and couldn’t even stand straight
You gave me this look full of hate
It seemed to me that you didn’t even want me there
And you looked away like you didn’t even care
And on this night
All you wanted to do was fight
You even accused me of not loving you
After six years, I would’ve expected that you knew
For you I’ve cried night and day
But all I can do is sit here and pray
Pray that I’m the only girl you see
And pray that you’ll still love me
I pray for a little miracle or three
For you to be the person you used to be
Everybody tells me that it will never happen, that its time to let go
But there’s something that they don’t know
Every time I look into your eyes, I see
That person you used to be
I see that person who used to care
And that person who was always there
The Rowan who was not afraid to let the world see
That he would give the world for me
The Rowan who never let anyone get in between us
Who would never care to look at another girl, even when I looked like a mess
So I’m begging you, please answer my prayers
Show me the person you buried underneath all those layers
Love me the way you used to
Because you’re pushing me and I’m starting to let go

Let You Go

Because sometimes I miss you so much it hurts,
And the sad thing is you don’t see what its worth.
Because sometimes I cry so hard I want to break,
The reason I’m lost and can’t escape.
Because of you I can’t look at myself the same,
I wish I never met you, or ever heard your name.
Sometimes I picture us in my head and it cuts so deep it kills,
And the worst thing of it all that I can’t forget,
The lust, the passion, the chills.
I realize we grew apart, and I realize we died,
I wanted to believe we’d last forever,
I wanted to believe you tried.
I get these feelings deep, deep down,
That make me cry till you turn around,
And when you do you always see,
The love let down I’ll always be.
You smile at me and I don’t know why,
And when you do I want to die.
I pray for you, that you’ll go far,
But letting you go is the infinity of hard.

Open Doors

A stroke on my hand.
A kiss on my head.
You awoke the heart,
That I thought was dead.

Holding me close,
And not letting go.
I’m so afraid,
That it’s all just a show.
You’re with her,
And that’s just fine.
But you know in my heart,
You wish you were mine.

You hold me in place,
Close to your heart.
Because that’s where you want me,
And that’s where it starts.

I’m losing my grip,
Won the control of this feeling.
You are fixing a girl,
That just started healing.

You’re worth the pain,
And worth the hurt.
You’re worth the broken heart,
Because I finally see effort.

Is it over with her?
Is it time for me?
Why don’t you answer?
Just help me see.

The love we share,
Is one of a kind.
It can’t be duplicated,
And it gets better over time.

Just don’t let go,
Like you did before.
We’ll walk hand in hand,
Through these open doors.

Heaven

To wake up where you are
Would be a most tremendous gift
To wake up next to you
Would send my heart in fits

To wake up to your face
With your breath hot against my skin
To smell your scent on me
Would be like breathing heaven in

Like heaven in the sky above
You’re just so far away
To stay forever in this heaven
I would give my life away

Wake me up and hold my hand
And kiss me on the lips
Take me into heaven please
A no-return one-way trip

A Perfect Night

November skies painted dark blue
Like an angelic midnight feast
Through hidden trees, a soft breeze flew
From the core of the night is a lullaby released

Desire is a shadow compared to our embrace
This melody of wonder, playing in my heart
All stars reunited in unending grace
Bound to us, drawing a piece of art

I lost myself in the sweetness of your voice
It feels like dancing between the candles of moonlight
If time and space could obey my choice
I would live forever in this perfect night

Hold On

I love you now
So hold me close
Don’t let the darkness in

Hold on to the light
And we’ll make our dreams
Come true

Don’t question the outcome
Just hold out for the ride
Don’t jump to conclusions
Whenever we fight

Baby, don’t let go
Of the beauty
That’s within

Look forward to tomorrow
And let the sunshine shine in

If One To Say

How do I put it in one simple way
To describe how I love you if only to say
That love is a gift sent down from above
With empowering moments and things unspoken of
With too many small words that can’t describe the real meaning
When after all love is just a simply a feeling

Little Brother

Superstition and reality,
They force me to write these words.
Subtle rhymes fall in time,
Aloud they go unheard.

Dear Brother, I want to write this one for you.
Though I’m not entirely sure why.
I’m stupid and I’ll never be good enough,
Not for your pale blue eyes.

Brother, don’t you know you’re impressive?
Musicality flowing through your veins.
Brother, did you know your words kill me…
It’s too much to breathe in this pain.

Little brother, I swear to you…
You matter more than you know.
One of these days, you’re gonna be a big star…
And I’ll always be at you show.

Though you don’t see me… not today,
Tomorrow rests so near.
Joey… you’ll never read these words,
But they’re my “I love you” for you, dear.

Do It All Again

Push me and I’ll fall to the ground,
Stab me and the blade will run through.
But the most painful thing I’ve ever done,
Was tearing myself apart helping you.

Nobody’s ever perfect in this world,
To live life you must experience pain.
I pushed myself to the brink of insanity,
But in the end, helping you presented no gain.

Being there and caring didn’t mean much to you,
Perhaps this is my limit as your friend.
Mere words proved hopeless in saving you,
Even though you really broke my heart… I’d do it all again.

My Family

I love my family
I hate my family
I like spending time with my family
I want to get away from my family
(far far away)
My family is there for me
They care for me
They know me
They make my happy and sad
Sappy, I guess
They’re aware of me
Not who other people think I am
Just me
And my family

Daddy’s Little Girl

Daddy’s little girl
She is his whole world
She turns it upside down
And all the way around

Daddy’s little girl
She has him wrapped around her finger
She knows he won’t let her get tangled

Daddy’s little girl
She is just like him but without all the same parts
They are tied together by their hearts

Daddy’s little girl
She is not so little anymore
He knows it is time to let her soar
Time to let her be all that and more

But she will always be daddy’s little girl

Memories

Thinking back, I can’t help but remember
I remember that we once said forever
We told each other we would always make it
And that we were the perfect pair together

I remember the nights staring at you while you slept
Kissing your forehead to show you I cared
Holding each other so tight, but it never seemed close enough
There are so many memories that we shared

I remember the long nights of walking for hours
Talking about everything that happened during the day
Telling each other how perfect they were
And how our love would never fade away

I remember the cuddling for hours on the couch
Staring into your beautiful eyes
A smile would come across your face
And we promised that we would never tell lies

I remember the lonely nights when I didn’t have you
Instead I had the blanket that you gave to me
I could always smell your perfume on it
And reminded me of how perfect marriage would be

I remember when you said that I was your dream girl
I constantly told you that you would be the perfect dad
You couldn’t wait until we had a family together
Now looking back, it only makes me sad

What happened to this love that used to be so strong?
This love that we shared that seemed so right?
We always worked through everything
And we would never get off the phone when we were in a fight

We used to say that we would never let that song happen to us
But I guess that song really did come true
We have both chosen different paths from each other
And I’ve lost all the love that I used to have for you

I sit here just with memories of what used to be
And I’m happy with the life that I am now living
I no longer have to feel like crap about myself
And I no longer have to constantly be giving

I always gave so much of myself to you
And you never appreciated any of it
You always made me feel worse about myself
So I knew that “we” was something I had to quit

I do not care about you anymore
I no longer even call you a friend
I’m finally happy with myself
And I’m glad that we will never talk again

So goodbye my ex-lover
Goodbye to you who opened my eyes
Opened my eyes that made me realize I deserve better
And I no longer have to listen to any of your lies

Suicide Solution

I feel the knife
Like the first time breathing in
Told myself not to do it
My blood was boiling deep within

Tell my mother, tell my father
I’ve done the best I can
This is my life
I hope they understand

Starting to fade
As the second stage hits
I fall to the ground shaking
The pain seemed like the perfect fit

My heartbeat felt like an earthquake
Crawling towards the door
I can feel my life coming to an end
My mom found me on the floor

Trapped in my thoughts
I know you’ve waited so long
Chain me free
I thought nothing could ever go wrong

Another day in deep grey
My life shadowed by a lonely tear
Please wake me up
I need to get my head clear

I wake up gasping for air
Like the first time breathing in
Told myself to begin a new life
What a life this has been

Ready for a new dream to begin
Suicide isn’t always the right solution
Burn down these walls
I’m ready for my retribution

Don’t Let Me Fall

The key to love is friendship and trust.
A lot of faith in you got me a long way.
Take care of me; don’t make me leave you; it would hurt us both.
I’m opening up my heart for you, Rowan.

Hold my heart carefully; don’t let it drop.
Help us stay together; become a part of me.
Don’t ever let me go.
And I’ll do the same for you.

Hold me in your arms when I need you.
And I’ll lend you my shoulder when your head hurts.
I’ll hold you in the most special place in my heart,
As long as you hold me tight, and don’t let me fall.

Unprotected and Unwanted

Girl and guy, hand in hand,
Walking along, footprints in dusty brown sand.
Gaze at each other, eyes aglow,
Murmur three fateful words,
Then let their innocence go.

Only 18 years, since they were born themselves,
Out of control, ignore the warning bells.
Six weeks later, girl all alone.
Boyfriend left, words ringing in her head, his nasty tone.

She’s late, so takes the test.
Breaks down in tears when the sign is yes.
All her dreams shattered, life left in pieces,
His sweet words, nothing more than just teases.

Can’t tell her parents, for fear of their fists,
Can’t afford abortion, takes the pain out on her wrists.
Wishing to die, hoping to leave,
Doesn’t want this baby, only a peeve.

Lives in denial, until evidence apparent,
At home she gets hit, in public people stare,
Living in a dark black hole, no one cares.

She’s left with nothing but bruises,
And her baby’s growth cruises,
Her only friends being alcohol and drugs,
No thought of consequences, just craving the buzz.

Water breaks one day at school,
Looks like she wet her pants, peers so cruel.
Ambulance saves her from that fiery Hell,
But when baby arrives, all is not well.
Alcohol and drugs finally took their toll.
Baby’s brain damaged, deep within the skull.
Deformed head, arms and legs,
New mom breaks down crying, to God she begs.

But it’s too late, the past can’t return.
To go back and say no, is the girl’s only yearn.
The stress is too much, the pain too hard,
To her abusive parents, she leaves a little card.

Takes a gun to her head, pulls the trigger,
Only way out, she has no more vigor.
Falls cold on the ground, baby in arms,
Leaving to heaven, rid of her harms.

A Letter To My Baby (A Child)

Dear my precious baby,

Today I finally saw you,
It was nothing I’ve ever seen.
Today I witnessed a miracle,
An angel came from me.

Ten fingers, ten toes;
A beautiful smile;
A cute nose.

Your baby smell I could wait for,
To see you smile as we walk out the hospital doors,
To hold in my arms and watch you sleep through the night.

To wake up every morning
And see you there,
To know you’re finally home now
With not a moment to spare.

To see that bond we share,
Like mother and child do.
To kiss you every chance I get
And always be here for you.

To see you crawl
And watch you play;
To see you laugh
As you make my day.

As of right now
I’ll cherish the memories
That I am having with you.
For always and forever,
You’re my greatest blessing and
I love you.

This Christmas

Christmas time is here is here again
And everything is spinning around
The memories are haunting me
Like a film playing without sound.

I remember the way you used to smile
And whisper “I love you”
Before I got on my bus for break
I’d say the same thing too.

You’d call the night before Christmas
When you were all alone
Then you’d talk to me for hours
Keeping me on the phone.

You’d tell me the things no one else knew
Your deepest thoughts and darkest dreams
You weren’t the guy everyone thought you were
You were ripping apart at the seams.

You were never perfect
And you weren’t always right
But I loved who you were back then
And I miss seeing you in that light.

The first year after you went away
My Christmas was bright, but dark
But I put on a happy face so no one would know
That your leaving left a mark.

This year is going to be different
I’m gonna put last year behind
Even though Christmas means remembering you
And the three years when you were ‘mine’

My Heart

I opened my heart once;
I knew it was the only way to be free from this damn cage;
My eyes saw a tall boy with dark eyes;
And my heart fell forward.
But it remains defeated…

I Swear

I swear that I won’t die.
I swear that I won’t speak.
I swear that I won’t lie.
I swear that I won’t seek.

But this, I cannot swear.
Something that I hide,
my lonely forgotten teddy bear.
I cannot swear that I won’t love.

Love And Death Spark

Written on stone,
Signed in blood.
Strength and courage thrown,
Are you drowning in the flood?

You are sinking slowly,
Like quick-sand—all I see is your hand.
Life’s blood flowing—
No sign of dry land.

Pen in my hand, running out of ink.
Soak into the paper.
We’re both starting to sink—
Will you do me a favor?

Before I am gone, tell me that you love me.
I won’t feel all alone when I’m in the dark,
Closing my eyes so I can’t see—
Love and Death spark!

Forest of Life

Dense is the forest of our lives
Leaves fall exposing broken dreams
Yet light filters through the branches
Giving hope to a virgin day breaking

Sunlight falls and a spectrum spreads
Butterflies prance on the flowers in bliss
I preserve our scattered tender dreams
In the depth of my hearts golden chest

Soft breezes carry sweet sultry vows
Words on sugar lips simply no sound
Melodious song transcends to the stars
Winds take me swiftly into his arms

Evoking the untouched desires of mine
I adore his beauty under twilight
Gazing on stars, I kiss his tender lips
Each time I kiss him my heart beat skips

A Drink, A Drink, A Poem

Walk through the empty hallways but there’s no one there
Turn left, turn right these white walls are always bare
Drink in the left, razor in the right, call it my depression elixir
Think back to memories
I need another drink
Why’d I look at that picture?

Knowing you, you’ll like the face these halls of mine are blank
My loneliness, my frowning face, have only myself to thank
I’m sick of walking a pointless track, never getting to a stop
Sit yourself down
Wait for the pain
That suicide bomb to drop

Tick tock tick tock the time on the clock just crawls by
I can’t live in this place but I can’t bring myself to cry
Sick of the pain I’ll cut this vein I promise it’ll be deep
Kick back
Relax
There’s nothing to do but sleep

Life is Dreaded from the Heart

As her mother screamed and cried,
Her sick little child just sighed,
Her mother said, “Do not go!”
But her little child sighed “No…”
She looked at her mother, a tear on her eye…
The little child blew her last breath,
And used it to say, “Goodbye…”